Well, this morning it’s official. Similar to many celebrity marriages these days, my marriage has ended after a mere one month and one day. But there was neither glamour nor glitz, only hurt, betrayal, and lots and lots of pain.

A judge signed off on the annulment of my marriage this morning. This means I’m single, not divorced. It’s as if the marriage never happened.

But it did. I didn’t want it to end. My actions, however, did not back up how I felt and I made some very, very poor decisions. I saw a quote that explains it perfectly to me:

“Most unhappiness is caused by giving up what you want the most for what you want in the moment.” – Unknown

I made bad decisions. I hurt the sweetest, most wonderful man that I know. His sweet soul is now tormented with pain and anger and betrayal all because of me. He didn’t deserve any of this and I am so, so sorry that he has had to endure this because of me. I experience the guilt and shame and sadness every day but sadly that doesn’t take his pain away. And that’s all I want to do (well, other than going back and making different decisions). If I could absorb his pain and feel it for him, I would in a heartbeat.

We met yesterday afternoon for me to sign the papers and it almost went smoothly. I arrived early, which you may know is like me moving mountains, but I felt that being late would do two things – be disrespectful and make him worry that I was going to drag out the process which is his biggest fear. So when he arrived, we went in and were anticipating and “in and out” type of situation. Alas, the notary we required was busy so we had to wait. It was awkward. I could tell Kelly was extremely tense and I do what I always do (which always turns out to be a bad idea so why do I do it?); I tried to be playful. This pissed him off so we had anger added to the tension. And, as our relationship has always been, I absorbed his anger. So I snapped back at him, “Look I can be playful or I can be crying. Those are the options.” At that point of course, the crying surrendered its optional status so I hurried to the ladies room to wash my face before he observed the change. There was a lot of silence after my return and finally we were able to do what we came to do. We made the copies and then went back out to our respective cars. There was some chit chat but the real discomfort didn’t come until I asked him for a hug. We analyzed that too much (also a trait common to our relationship) when I finally said, “Just hug me.” He tried the one armed thing but I wouldn’t stand for that. So then I made a joke to lighten the mood, he almost cracked a smile, and we got in our cars. He drove away first. I lingered.

I figure I will probably write a lot about this as I process it all but this is just a note to announce what is going on. Right now I’m volleying between numb and bouncing from one emotion to another.

But at this point, I need to figure out my “to-do” list. Let me end by saying that Mahatma Gandhi was right when he said, “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”