First, let me ask you if you still have that poem about Orion and may I have a copy of it?

Second, I just wanted to share with you first what I haven’t really shared with anyone. We’re still adjusting my medication and it seems to take forever to find that right match that will keep me sane without terrible side effects. But the new meds (for the right disorder finally) have gotten in to my system and are flowing freely. It’s weird, Laney. I almost feel what I’ve always imagined normal feels like. Not to say I dont experience manic stuff (like tonight I couldnt sleep at all) but it’s the rarity not the normal behaviors. I catch myself ruminating over things to the point of obsession and of course making them about me. But I’m catching them. I’m catching them before acting impulsively (most of the time) so that I can alter the behaviors. Laney, I don’t feel like I’m losing myself like I did when I first started all the meds so many years ago. I feel like I’m finally breaking out of the shell of crazy that has enveloped me for so long, all of my life.

Again, I dont feel I’m there, not by a long shot. But I feel like I know where I’m going and it’s actually a place I long to be. I have…hope. Hope and I have been enemies for so long, it’s awkward to feel her arm around me.

And I’m making not medication related changes. Instead of isolating, I’m reaching out to people. And I realized that the burden of all of my reaching out may be too much for my current friends here so I’ve been out trying to make new friends. It’s amazing. Now I’ve come across people who insist on drama and I’ve distanced myself as much as possible from them and been frank that they dont need a buddy, they need a therapist. I can be one or the other. It’s hard though when people know you’re a shrink. They feel free to vomit all their problems on you. Then you’re left cleaning up their mess when all you wanted was a bourbon and coke. But I digress.

I just wanted to share these new feelings with you first before I, well, I don’t know what I’ll do with them. They are almost too personal for my blog. At any rate, I wanted to share them with you. I know you’ve experienced so much of my crazy and I don’t know how you’ve held on as long as you have. I cant promise I wont be crazy anymore but I do have that hope that I’m at least on the right path to be crazy less and normal more – whatever normal means.

Anyway, I love and miss you. Havent heard from you in a while. I’m often wondering what is going on in your life. Maybe we could set up a time to talk by phone, maybe even a regular set time. But I may be getting ahead of myself. Maybe just an email first, filling me in and then we’ll go from there.

I love you, Laney. I hope I get to share as much “normal” with you as I have crazy.

Warmly,
Missy