It’s been a while. I’m hoping I haven’t forgotten how to blog.

First, let me explain that my laptop has finally given out and that is a major reason for the delay in my posts.

I wont bore you with the details of what has been going on in my world since May when I last wrote but I will give you an overview.

Still working full time. Have an abusive boss. I would really like my job if it weren’t for him but instead I dread going every day.

Still living at mom’s. I could probably venture out on my own at this point but as mom gets older, I’m increasingly more afraid to leave her alone. She fell recently and couldn’t get back up and that really scared me.

Still in a relationship and enjoying it. There are a few kinks to work out but overall it’s a wonderful match. We’re still in the honeymoon phase where our arguments consist of who loves each other more, etc. Yes, I realize it’s sickening but I’m glad to have it. We did have our first official argument a few weeks ago and, clearly, recovered from it. Our biggest struggle at this point is not being able to see each other enough. Living in Fort Worth and Garland, makes weekday visits less than ideal.

So working full time has had a few effects on me. I’m tired a lot more. I think a lot of the fatigue is a result of the stroke. I’ve worked full time before and not experienced this level of exhaustion at the end of the day. Initially I was looking for a part time job to ease me back in to the working world but when I was offered this job, I snatched it up. And then they asked me to start the day after my interview so there was no transition period or adjustment time. I’m not complaining at all. I’m grateful for having a job!

And, honestly, I’m terrified of not having one. It was so hard when I was struggling those last few months before I was hired. The stress and worry and overall shame of being unemployed and unable to make ends meet.

That fear, I do believe, is strong enough that I allow my boss to speak to me the way he does. And it creates an internal tug-of-war between the fear and my self respect. When I allow his abusive behaviors towards me, I feel shame because I am so much better than being talked down to.

And I cannot help but note the irony that a former counselor who specialized in domestic violence is knowingly allowing herself to be abused. I think the only thing that would make it worse is if I didn’t recognize that he was being abusive and that a lot of how I feel is a result of his abuse.

I suppose that is enough for now. So much for just giving a summary. Hopefully I will be able to keep this updated a little better than I have been.

Truth be told, I have really missed writing.