I was driving home today when something happened that actually made me smile.

It was something very simple and quick but really, really important to me at this point in my life.

It was raining today as I was heading home. I don’t have to get on the highways to go to work but instead just take a little back road. It’s shorter and generally faster. On rainy days, however, it’s also slicker and has more surprise puddles. But I know this so try to be a little more cautious in my driving.

Well, today, I was stopped behind a long line of cars at a stop light when something caught my eye in the rear view mirror. The little white Ford Escort that was quickly approaching was hydroplaning. The back end went from the left to the right, the front end was trying to get back in line with the back end, and the driver looked more than a little concerned.

Here is what went through my mind as soon as it registered that they were hydroplaning, in this order:

1. Oh my God; I hope they’re ok.
2. I’ll bet they’re scared.
3. I’ve hydroplaned before and it sucks. And, finally,
4. Oh, they might hit me.

Now the driver of the little white Escort regained control and managed to not hit my car to both of our reliefs, I’m sure.

Why did this make me so happy?

I realized, after the fact, that my first thought wasn’t about me or my car or even what may happen. My first thought was about the people in that car and their safety. Then their feelings. Then came empathy. And, lastly, my own self interest.

I’m not writing about this to make myself look good or toot my own horn. I’m not writing about this to convince you that I’m this great, selfless person. I’m not.

I’m writing this because I needed to be reminded (and this event did this for me) that I am basically a good person with a good heart.

Between living with my mother and enduring an abusive boss, my better qualities are not often the topic of conversation. Paige does her best to point out the good things I do, every thoughtful gesture, every kind act but she is up against some strong opponents.

The boss isn’t such a contender except for having to deal with him day in and day out exhausts me emotionally. Reminding myself that I’m not a piece of trash all day when he is going to great lengths to prove that I am beats a person down after a while; it beats me down every day. So then I go home to my mother.

I want to make very clear that I love my mother. She has some amazing strengths. But with her yin comes her yang. She frequently tells me how selfish I am, how ungrateful I am, how mean and uncaring I am (those sting) and how I have a cold heart not caring about anything or anyone. This isn’t once in a while. This is daily.

So I come home exhausted, defenses worn down from a day of fending off boss’s abuse to more “this is how you suck” conversation.

And Kelly made it clear he supports the horrid, selfish, uncaring bitch belief. He made sure to tell me that with details, examples, and colorful phrases before he stopped talking to me all together. And I let it sink in. I allowed myself to start believing it all.

But Paige isn’t merely going against those to contenders. She’s up against me too. And anyone who has ever tried to convince me of something I don’t fully believe can fully attest that I am a fierce opponent. I can disprove, discredit, and dismiss in the blink of an eye. Now, I’m not saying these are my better qualities but I can’t deny that they do exist within me.

And I question if they’re right. If I am this horrid person who can’t do anything right. If I lack compassion, if I lack any worth as a person.  I mean, when you hear it every day…

What I needed was for me to see something good in me.

Then the driver of a little white Escort briefly lost control of her car.