I had no idea it was that bad.

That’s what most people say when I tell them what I’m about to write.

After the accident in July 2005, I developed an anxiety disorder. It started as a mild discomfort around crowds and lots of stimulus. Then it began to snowball.

I would become anxious at the thought of being around groups of people whether I knew them or not. Then I became anxious about being around a few close friends. Then I began having panic attacks. They would come seemingly out of the blue whenever I was even considering going somewhere. To a friend’s house, to the grocery store, to put gas in my car, anything.

I also developed what my Mimi used to call “a nervous stomach.” What I call it is feeling as though my stomach was eating itself. If something was scheduled, even before I thought  I was thinking about it, I would become nauseated, dizzy, and then experience some other digestive issues that I wont delve in to here. In essence, I got sick.

My body was giving my psyche a reason to not have to go anywhere.
Because of that sickness, I stopped going places – to friends’ houses, to the store, to put gas in my car, to work. I was sick all of the time.

I was sick for about 3 years.

For the three years that I was with Kelly, not once did we go out to a restaurant, go to see a movie, go to a museum or a jazz festival in the park. We didn’t go to the fair or to Six Flags or take a trip anywhere. If we planned to, I would get very excited about it but then I’d get sick so we’d have to cancel our plans.

It was hell. For me and undoubtedly for him. And then we split (the nice way of putting it).

And I was alone. A lot. I wasn’t working, my old friends had stopped inviting me to do things/go places because I always declined or cancelled.

I had to make some decisions, some choices.

And I did.

I chose to make the effort to get together with my friends. I chose to make the effort to get out and do things. I chose to make the effort to reclaim part of my life that I’d lost years before.

I want to tell you that there was some noble underlying reason that prompted me to make the efforts that I did. But I cant. There was nothing noble about my motivation.

I didn’t want to be alone anymore.

I didn’t want to watch everyone else living a life that I felt entitled to have. I felt, quite literally, like the sick kid inside watching through the window as the other kids played joyfully on the playground. I wanted to be out there.

So I made decisions that put me out there.

They sucked.

They still suck.

But I force myself to make them. And I almost always enjoy the results.

It takes a lot of effort. And I get exhausted much more easily than someone my age should. If I do something social one night, then I’m usually wiped out for a few days after. It’s not like just opening the door and walking outside. For me, it’s like breaking down a steel door barred shut just to face an uphill, rocky slope covered in ice with shards of rock stabbing me with every move. When I get to where the others are, I’m pooped.

But I’m there.

I guess that’s all I wanted to say about the anxiety disorder. Well, maybe this too. I don’t believe that people necessarily overcome anxiety disorders. I don’t think it ever really goes away. But I think people can become stronger than it. I think by making decisions that override the anxiety frequently enough that the non-anxious way of life becomes the norm rather than the exception, the anxiety learns to take the back seat rather than being the driver.

I struggle with it. Every day, several times a day. It is a conscious effort. It’s an effort that requires a lot of effort and is exhausting. And I still feel the anxiety. And I’m still scared all the time that another panic attack is going to catch me off guard and knock me down.

But it’s worth it.

On that playground that I used to stare at from my window, I’ve rediscovered the amazing people that are my friends. The people that make it all worth the effort.

Now I’m getting all teary eyed so I’m going to wrap this up before I break down in to a complete sap.