My life has been a series of tests and I have not fared well.

Luckily the tests keep coming and I have possibilities for redemption. Perhaps I could be saved. But I am tired. Tired of the failures and disappointments that I seem to dole out endlessly.

Crap. Again, this is not the direction I meant to travel. What I meant to indicate is that I will actually be undergoing continued tests as we narrow down the diagnosis. It’s going to be long and painful so I am hoping I can process a little here until it is time to go.

And the next few days I will be prepping for and completing another test that actually has no relevance to the diagnosis. They figured they would just throw this one in here for fun or maybe like a control group or maybe it’s some of continual torture like when they took this bipolar chick totally off of her meds “just to see if it helps.” Didn’t help. I think the doctors are just fluffing with me now. Seeing how much I can take.

Perhaps they are expecting me to realize I have some huge reserve of strength that I wasn’t aware of. The problem is that I am aware. But I’ve already tapped that resource. That’s the waning strength that is holding the pieces of my heart together.

I guess without that, though, nothing else matters.

*Side note: the picture attached to this post is of my childhood dog Rowdy. While in reality, he was begging for a piece of pop-tart, the positioning in front of the calculator, and the test answer sheet (back in my day we called them Scantrons or something like that), I thought it might seem like he was helping me with my tests. Silly, I know but at least I got to post a picture of that dog – he was a good dog. Lots of Rowdy stories in the 10+ years he blessed my life. I’ll try to get some written out. :^)